Weiner’s limp answers could lead to electile dysfunction

Posted on June 1, 2011


Note to all Congressmen: If you’re asked if the photo of a man’s penis sent from your Twitter account to a 21-year-old female journalism student in Washington State is a photo of YOUR penis — the smart answer is a quick and simple “Not no, but HELL no!”

Any answer *OTHER* than “No” — including a ridiculously obvious, pathetic and impotent niggling over the possibility of Photoshopping this and image-swapping that — is an automatic YES.

New York Democrat Anthony Weiner (that’s his real name) has repeatedly refused to confirm or deny whether the photo in question is of his own wiener, and in-so-doing, has cemented a rock-hard belief – no matter what other limp statement he makes — that at the very least, Weiner must have photos of his own “member of Congress” that are similar enough to the now-famous dong-o-gram to make him hesitate.

“There are photographs of me in the world. Yes,” Weiner said. “We don’t know where the photograph came from. We don’t know for sure whats on it, we don’t know for sure if its been manipulated, if it was taken out of one place and dropped in something else. These days, pictures are Photoshopped and manipulated, and you can never tell if a photo on the Internet is of what or who it’s supposed to be.” He told NBC News that “I can’t say with certitude” whether or not the now-famous image is of his own crotch.

So what does that mean, exactly? It means it MIGHT be a photo of Big Tony’s “Little Tony” and it MIGHT not — he just can’t say for sure. Does that mean that he doesn’t know what his own undie-bulge looks like, or does it mean he can’t tell if it’s one of the pictures he has of his own undie-bulge or if it’s someone else’s.

If Weiner is speaking true, it means that someone entrusted with making laws to govern YOUR life can not REMEMBER whether or not he – or someone else – has taken a  close-up picture of his grey-underwear-clad penis with a phone-camera, either recently or in the past.

Hell of a time to play the Ronald Reagan/Ollie North “I can’t recall” card, Weiner. But the plot thickens.

As CNN showed the image on the screen, a puzzled Wolf Blitzer pressed the congressman: “You *WOULD* know if this was your underpants … wouldn’t you, Congressman?” Weiner declined to answer, opting instead to stiffen up and try to beat off the simplicity of the question by saying, “I appreciate you continuing to flash that at me.”

Weiner’s shrinking non-answers face some stiff competition. He ranks somewhere between Bill Clinton’s “what the definition of ‘is’ is” and Larry Craig’s “I take a wide stance when I use public toilets” answer to why he was foot-tapping an undercover police officer in a known homosexual pick-up area of a public airport restroom.

And so, as Weiner’s own private “battle of the bulge” continues and he displays what is either legitimate ignorance born of innocence or abject guilt born of stupidity, I have a big tip for Congressman Weiner: Stop being a dick and answer the question. Or you may find next year when you thrust into the race for Mayor of The Big Apple that New York voters might give you the shaft.

I don’t doubt that Weiner’s Twitter account was hacked, and I’d like to believe that he isn’t stupid enough to have sent the e-schlong to someone who isn’t his newlywed wife. But this cock-and-bull story about not knowing if it’s a picture of his penis or not?  That’s not thinking straight with either head.

And for the record, Congressman, this isn’t what they mean by “too big to fail.”

(And yes, every pun in this article was intentional.)