Stephen Colbert’s facts about Kyl’s non-facts

Posted on April 14, 2011


Those who know my politics will know why I find this appropriate.

Those who know me personally will know exactly why I find this hysterically funny.

Stephen Colbert Top 10 Non-Factual Statements About Jon Kyl

In response to Sen. Jon Kyl’s false claim that “well over 90%” of Planned Parenthood’s activity is devoted to abortion” — and subsequent explanation that it was “not intended to be a factual statement” — Stephen Colbert began relentlessly mocking the fact-challenged lawmaker this week.

After lampooning Kyl’s comments on his show, Colbert took to Twitter with string of non-factual statements about Kyl. Other Twitter users followed suit, and a hilarious meme was born with the hashtag #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.

1. Jon Kyl holds the Guinness World Record for “Largest Collection of Penis Enlargers.”

2. In 2009, Jon Kyl lost $380,000 wagering on dwarf tossing.

3. Jon Kyl calls the underside of his Senate seat: “The Booger Graveyard.”

4. Jon Kyl has the world’s most extensive catalogue of snuff films.

5. Jon Kyl can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole.

6. Jon Kyl calls all Asians “Neil” no matter what their name is.

7. Jon Kyl let a game-winning ground ball roll through his legs in Game 6 of the ’86 World Series.

8. Jon Kyl developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies.

9. Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand.

10. Jon Kyl is one of Gaddafi’s sexy female ninja guards.

Maybe someone can explain: If Kyl’s statement – which he entered into the official House of Representative legislative record as official testimony – what did he intend it to be? If he wasn’t attempting to use the blatant lie to further the far-right religious-fundamentalist agenda war against abortion, why lie?  And why make the lie based against Planned Parenthood, when the program is already banned by a nearly two-decades-old law from receiving any federal funds for the purpose of abortion anyway?

Now, I had no like or respect for Jon Kyl even before this abysmal display of blatant partisan mechanics disinformation. He’s the hypocritical ponce who gave birth (through the obvious orifice) to the Internet Gambling bill which all but decimated the online poker industry in the United States – and for no other reason that because he and his fellow dim-witted, cash-lustful cretins in Congress couldn’t figure out a way to get their cut of the $2 Billion annual poker pie.  So I have no qualms now about descending Kyl even further down my list of people for whom I have nothing but contempt and loathing (right now, Kyl is only two-points ahead of Sarah Palin).

Jon Kyl is a despicable, politically pandering, two-faced sell-out of the worst calibre, and is a disgrace to his party, to Congress (if that’s possible) and to the United States of America.  And that *IS* intended to be a factual statement.